Monday, April 21, 2003

Leaving the Street

It emerged from Downing Street yesterday that Blair considered resigning in the run up to the Iraq war, and sat down with his family to talk over the situation.

“We all discussed the matter, and the children were so horrified by the idea that Prescott would be PM in my place, that they begged me to hang on to the bitter end, ” confessed the Dictator. ”They argued that although I am indeed an insane megalomaniac, prepared to use cluster bombs on civilians, at least I don’t go round punching members of the general public, and my wife doesn’t look like Imelda Marcos.”

The notion of Prescott as PM is indeed very scary.
A Surrey Tale

Gushing TV front man Piss Torrent, has today been exposed as being caught up in a moral dilemma. Apparently, Torrent has spent at least one sleepless night contemplating how bad it is that most people in the country will never get the chance to appear on his hit programme ‘Surely You Don’t Want To Carry On Living Your Poor Sad Life’.

“It is awful for the public in this country, they are so unhappy with their lives, look at how successful the lottery is for example” said the multimillionaire presenter. “Its just so unfortunate that more of the public don’t get the chance to win the million pounds prize on my show each week, they are all so desperate to leave their sorry lives behind.”

Mr. Torrent gets paid 1 Gazillion Megabucks per show and remains resolutely unembarrassed about taunting the contestants with their goal of becoming nothing like as rich as him.

Monday, March 24, 2003

Living with Los Angeles now.

Many gorgeous fabulous celebs and film stars bravely and generously went ahead last night to celebrate the Annual World’s Most Wonderful People Together In One Place For All The Other Plebs To Worship Envy And Crave To Be Like Awards Ceremony last night.

In view of the solemnity of the times, fewer numbers of the plebs than normal were permitted to lick the floor where the movie stars were walking, and the television revenues were limited to only 68 Gazillion Megabucks.

The top Award, for Best Abuse Without The Use Of The F Word, went to the well liked but nevertheless rich and fat Malcolm Most, who recognises a good self publicity opportunity when he sees one. In his acceptance speech, he challenged Tony and Cherie Blair to send their 19-year-old son into the desert to die alongside his fellow youthful countrymen. This brave comment met with the full approval of the audience as most celebs have children, husbands and wives in the American Armed Forces too, and are very worried about everything.

The Special Award That Is The Even More Special and mmmmm Oh So Magnificently Better Award For Being A Film Star went to the very talented Katrina Zaverini-Jugs and her unborn child who she promised would join the army and defend the nation too when it is old enough.

Many television presenters throughout the world really loved the show and reported it a lot. Organisers have pledged that at least some of the dollars will go to help rebuilding Iraq after the war, so everything is alright then.
No news is good news

Independent television news services were today very sorry to have to report the death of their longest serving correspondent. After being with them for over 20 years, sadly he was killed by gunfire in the Iraqi desert.

During that long career he often appeared on television rolling news shows eking out, over and over again, completely boring, short, information and content free sensationalised ‘reports’ suitable only for the credulous classes, and had once, several years ago, even come up with a real news item.

Rolling news programmes were interrupted for up to several minutes as this “story broke” and industry figures made the right noises. None of them admitted that it was a waste of a life and that their programmes are outrageously tedious, expensive, far too long, lacking content and the main organ for government propaganda. It is believed that almost 24 hours of programme could easily be covered in one daily 10 minute bulletin and that programmers should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves, along with the very strange individuals that watch this drivel.

He will be sadly missed.

Saturday, March 22, 2003

News As We Know It

It is thought that today at the trial of Major Shoddy Mediocre, contestant in the highly acclaimed news-free 24 hour rolling game show Who Wants To Be Another Dire Millionaire TV News Presenter, David DoomsdayBook the show’s incredibly rich and successful creator may be giving evidence.

Major Shoddy Mediocre and two co-defendants have been accused of conspiracy to actually present a real item of news when competing on the show.

It is likely that DoomsdayBook, a former advisor to the to the Ministry Of Smug Oxbridge Graduates Taking The Piss Out Of The Credulous Middle And Lower Classes will accuse co-defendant Professor Saddy Sadnotoxbridge of coughing to alert the major every time the programme director was about to cut to him. It is also likely that Professor Sadnotoxbridge will plead that his coughing was caused by the massive well documented sandstorm that was going on around them as they presented the programme from the Northern Iraqi desert. An unlikely story if ever there was one.

David DoomsdayBook who’s father pioneered early very wonderful TV Current affairs programmes for William the Conqueror is likely going to argue that as far as he has heard, it is the other co-defendant in the trial, Major Mediocre’s gorgeous young wife should have been given the job.

The Judge, Lord Michaelangelogenius is without doubt a very great man who went to Qxford, so everything will be all right.

The trial continues.

Ministry Intervention

The Ministry of Smug Oxbridge Graduates Taking The Piss Out Of The Credulous Middle And Lower Classes issued a statement today. It refutes the allegation that it is they who have subverted the language so that whenever the word ‘mediocrity’ should be used it is now being substituted by one of the following words also ending in ending in ‘ty’:

Reality (A word now usually associated with people pretending to act normally on TV.)
Royalty (A class of people that the ministry also mercilessly take the piss out of. And who can blame them?)
Individuality (Be Individual. Just like the advertising says)
Popularity (Gareth/Darius/Kylie/Jade/unmemorable fat welsh actress person, East Enders, etc.)
Serendipity (Apparently the name of a good night spot in the Balearics where one can safely not take any responsibility for one’s own dignity)
Dignity (The removal of which is the creed of Mediocrity TV. Mediocrity is hard to recognise in the absence of dignity. )
Honesty (This is a reference to an outmoded redundant belief system which has no Public Relations value whatsoever)
Responsibility (Work hard, sell your self. E.g. Take responsibility for finding your own celebrity)
Celebrity (The only sensible thing to aspire to in the whole wide world, very similar to Popularity, but more lucrative)

Indeed, the ministry blames the situation on the credulous middle and lower classes themselves, saying contemptuously “if they weren’t such ignorant peasants this wouldn’t be happening. They deserve the sterile culture free society in which they live. It is them that buy the newspapers for Heaven’s sake.”

It later emerged this may well be the first time that media moguls and newspaper bosses have been referred to as ‘Heaven’. Actually, it turns out that all media people are happy with the situation and are thrilled for the ministry to be in the frame for the blame. (That would make a good tabloid headline.) In private they admit that it is the fault of the credulous middle and lower classes.

Friday, March 21, 2003

Holding His Own

Brussels sources have issued a statement from the office of the President of the European Parliament, stating to non-native English speaking members of the Council of Ministers that, despite unconventional informal behaviour by the President, Pat Cox is not a verb.

Short Rebound

Downing Street sources have revealed that Clare Short may have been struck down with PMT.

This condition, known as Pro Ministerial Torsion, blights many patients working as career politicians. It is manifest in momentary instances of madness, when for instance the politician may threaten to resign, then when the public think they finally have someone in cabinet with principals and a conscience the politician cannot find the courage to walk. He/she then rebounds, or turns, from the issue, and goes back and hides behind the prime minister. The condition is exacerbated if the pm is himself completely mad and actively trying to be as great as Winston Churchill.

It is feared that the condition will always be incurable.

Chirac to run for Euro-Emperor

Sources close to the President today revealed that becoming Emperor may take just a little (only a little though) longer than originally planned.

This is because the President has inexplicably been struck down with a bout of PMT.

Presidential Moral Turpitude is manifest by a sudden abandonment of a career of lies, corruption and hedonism in a bid to be as famous and important on the world stage as great pacifists such as Ghandi and Jesus Christ were in their own time. This is done by ostentatiously pretending that you are a man of honour, peace, and good conscience, and in particular have no interest at all in Iraqi oil reserves.

UN inspectors are hoping to reach the sick president soon and are asking for more time.

US General ‘Shit’ Shithead Gunghodangerman, seconded to command the UN Euro peace keeping force said, “The Limeys have this great word for this type of Frenchman. I think its something like, er – Tanker. Personally, I’d prefer to go home to Texas.”

Putin on a show

Fantastic Russian peace monger and very wonderful human being, man with no nuclear weapons, biological weapons, or nerve gas left to speak of, of his own, is suffering from PMT.

He has caught the Presidential Moral Turpitude virus from fellow Euro-Emperor contestant, a strange man in France. It is unfortunate that when this condition is translated into the Russian language, the initials PMT become the initials KGB.

KGB syndrome is still present in its countless beaten and tortured victims throughout the country, and indeed other peoples’ countries, especially Chechnya, where they have also received a great deal of bombs, artillery and tank fire, and even nerve gas. Well they are not Christians are they?

The Russian President is able to keep his KGB syndrome in check whilst appearing in public and it is thought that he does this through self-discipline and total devotion to the creed of MAFIA.

MAFIA is a closed Orthodox Slavic sect, which it is unwise to talk any more about.

Except of course to say that MAFIA has interests in Siberian oil deposits, so obviously Putin has absolutely no need to be interested in Iraqi oil. Anyway, he is too busy still working with KGB syndrome.

Has any one else noticed how much he resembles Vladek Sheyball? Doesn’t that scare you?

Israeli a Drudge

Delightful George W. boss, ballerina, historian, Israeli leader and very wonderful human being, Yiddy Sharron has herself today admitted to being a life long PMT sufferer.

Yiddy despite her age, still very beautiful, gave an in depth interview to ace UK hack John Simpleton. Simpleton has gained a reputation for having no clue what is happening and totally ignoring what people say to him. This normally makes no difference as the British media say whatever they are told to anyway. It is however our great good fortune that it is still the fantastically magnificent heroine Sir Kate “Gallahad” Dodgey who is still Head of Bravery In The Face Of The NAZI at the BBC. Isn’t she just the very very best? Would that happen to me if I took elocution?

Sharron was trying to explain that the translation of the initials PMT into Hebrew produce initials NAZI. This, Yiddy claims, is a cruel quirk of the language, and has no bearing at all on her attitude to politics and the Palestinian people, and that there is now way it can be said that she suffers from NAZI syndrome. She went on to give a complete explanation of many other cruel quirks of the condition, and how somehow the world just ignores them, and how great that is.

John Simpleton could not remember any 20th century precedent for this.

Catch 22 – Yasserian Finds Solution

Sorry, this space is occupied.

Tuesday, March 18, 2003

Medical Bulletin:

Blair Catches PMT

It is thought that Blair has caught UK PMT Syndrome. Namely, Prime Minister Tyrant Syndrome. It is caused by the chronic arthritic condition sometimes known as the British Constition. The shameful frequency of this debilitating ailment due to age, decrepitude and apathy amonsgst the Great British Public (who feel they are powerless to help themselves) leaves the prime minister, whoever he may be, in a position of extreme power, unhindered by the repressed B Constitution gene. This leads directly to the symptoms of UK PMT Syndrome : Brown deposits around the skin of the nose, not listening to reason, being overtaken by an insane desire to be as great as Winston Churchill, being happy for your wife to cry on tv because your son is leaving home to go to Brtistol University, and then sending other peoples' 19 year old sons out to die in the desert. The list of symptoms is potentially much longer than this. Sadly, for the foreseable future there is no relief in sight, as the B Constitution gene has been deemed sacred and cannot under any circumstances be mutated or have good bits cloned on to it, even by sensible 21st century thinking man. This is because 21st century thinking man may be influenced by the works of people in Other European Countries, all of which are percieved to be not really very good at cricket.

Normally UK PMT syndrome overpowers patients in about their 8th year in office, so, Blair is unfortunate to have succumbed so early.

Senior Medical practitioners have suggested that the only way to rid us of the problem is assasination, or invading the country. This of course would be extremely dangerous as Blair is in posession of the largest stockpile of nerve gas and other weapons of mass destruction in the whole of Europe. (Blair has recently found out that Europe is bigger than Texas, and also closer than Texas, but with less oil).

The UN is currently working out if it can treat the condition.